Pacific Nights

The last time I posted in this space was 2008. At that time, I was staring down the barrel of 25. Now it’s 40. A lot has changed since then. 15 years of marriage and 2 kids will do that to you. But a lot hasn’t. I still (mostly) feel like the wide-eyed kid that I recognize in my writing from back then. I still catch myself looking for elders to look up to sometimes–and then I realize that it might be me (which is a bit unnerving). And I still count Matt Mullenweg as one of my dearest friends.

Matt made me this blog, back when WordPress was just a wee idea in the heads of a few charming people: People whose idealism was so palpable that it would bring tears to your eyes. Now WordPress is a (still charming) behemoth that runs basically the whole internet. And Matt is 40–still writing things so beautiful that they make me cry–and still asking that I not waste this space, but use it to share beautiful things with the world.

And so, my friend, in honor of your birthday, I have written my first blog post in 15 years. I want to share a piece of poetry that I wrote when I was 17. I have never posted it anywhere before. It’s my present to you.

The Nightingale

When singing softly gentle songs of summer
I stop and listen to the nightingale
My voice dies out, for when compared to hers
Its colors always fade, its glories pale

And then with eyes to heaven, misty, rising
I see a swallow dart from leaf and tree
Working its carefree way, above, and over
‘Til she is far beyond the canopy.

And then I pray that I be like the swallow
With happy cry, though not a famed call
And ask that I may always this remember
She may fly high, who has no voice at all.
______

Happy birthday Matt. From me and Mike (who sent you a quip, and still wants to know if you think it was funny), and the kids. May you have all the happiness and peace and joy in the world–I can’t think of anyone who deserves it more.

It was first snow today. I walked the path between the busstop and MIT and for those few minutes, I was acutely conscious of every sensation. I felt my hair surrounding my face; the soft kiss of the snowflakes on my cheek; the brush of my sweater against my skin; the gentle give of the lining in my boots; the bite of the cold in the air. I felt so alive.

I have been living on that high all day.

It was an ordinary day by any estimation. I played in the same orchestra with the same people that I did yesterday. I ate the same food. I read the same (interminable) Constitutional Law book. And yet, I did it all today with such an awareness and enjoyment of everything I was doing. It made me wonder how I hadn’t noticed these things all along.

Why don’t I always feel the pleasure of playing a C sharp that resolves to a B natural? Why don’t I always tear up as the choir sings accapella? Why don’t I always appreciate how good my sweater feels against my skin? How sweet it is to hear Mike’s sleepy voice on the other end of the line? How exciting it is to read the words of O’Connor and Kennedy and even Scalia, as they debate the doctrine that makes our country run?

I wondered today how I could have spent a minute complaining about boredom, when the Constitution is so interesting. I wondered how I could even think about calories when bacon tastes so good. I wondered how I could have thought of the cold as anything but positive, when it makes the snow that flirts with my cheeks so pleasantly, and when it makes the warmth of my (messy) dorm room feel so much warmer.

I know that when I wake up tomorrow, the sky will probably look grey again, my Con Law book will feel heavy, studying will transform back into drudgery, and I will forget how much I like the feel of cotton, denim and wool. I know this.

And yet, somehow I feel like the euphoria of today has changed me. I don’t think that I will ever quite forget it.

And I hope that I never do…

I’m not completely sure what I’m going to do with this blog. It’s a bit of a mess right now. But as Matt “king of the web” Mullenweg created it just for me, I don’t quite like letting it go.
I don’t much like how I used it before, so I sort of want to clean it , and start it over.
(or does that break some blog rule)…
Stay tuned.

Maybe I just needed to get out of the house… I feel much better now…
I spent the afternoon eating lunch with Chester and Pearl, gossiping about the Newspaper. Then I came home and folded laundry while talking to Matt and watching chick flicks, which for some reason always leave me doubting men’s honor, good faith and fidelity. I recovered from my subsequent panic attack by a quick workout and a long telephone conversation.
Bliss.
I’m happy again, thanks for being there for me.
All of you.

This is Becca’s installment in the Rappin Clique section of my site….
Well, Matt has finally gotten it together, so now we just have to synchronize the last verse… check back for new entries…

I got the magic click
I know if I can shoot once, I can shoot twice
I take the baddest pics,
Shorty you don’t believe me come stand by this light,
And I’ll show you Magic
(What? What?)
Magic
I’ve got the magic click.

I’m a voyeur like Tom Sawyer
Peeking through your fence, the digicam destroyer
If my lens catch ya girl
My fingers bound to curl
One or a hundred pics, I ain’t paying for no film
Knock the shutter like de la Hoya, enjoy ya
modesty while it lasts, cause I’m espescially fast
at taking pictures of yo’ ass. No need to ask
I’ll frame the shot, no need to fiddle
Unsurpassed at taking pictures that last en masse
And I ain’t in the dark with my hands wet, nope
I’m in the sun, the pimpin’ picture C.E.O.
The light is right, you can feel the love
Just sign this model release on the line above
I click a lot of chicks and you know they know
I mack hoes on ma-cro

Becca don’t keep score,
Just take pictures so good leave em beggin for more.
When it comes to takin pictures don’t test my skills
Cause I make you look good from yo head to yo heels.
Maybe one fine day it can pay my bills,
But right now I’m just doin’ it for the thrills.
I don’t need no croppin’ for even one picture
Just shoot, develop then slip it in to the fixer
Tonight I’ll be shootin, so get in the zone
No mo digital cameras to make you wince, whine and groan.
Guys if you want pictures just give me a ring
Dorky boys or curly hair, I’m down for anything
So while other photographers are sittin like stumps,
I’m takin’ it over from all of the chumps.
When I have the camera there’s no need to hide,
I’m the queen of them all, Mullenweg, step aside.

I’ve got the magic click,
I know if I can shoot once, I can shoot twice,
I take the baddest pics,
Shorty you don’t believe me come stand by this light,
And I’ll show you magic.
(What? What?)
Magic.
I’ve got the Magic click…

Funny how the assurance that your own misery is insignificant in the grand scheme of things has absolutely no effect on your general mood.
Maybe I’m just frustrated with the futility of my life right now. Maybe it’s my parents, my job, my friends… I’m thinking it must just be something to do with me… Maybe every week I have one day when I look at the world outside and see nothing but clouds and rain… The dreary type, that makes everything look gray, and seems that it will never end.
Maybe I am just a melancholy romantic… But that’s not how it feels right now….
I want to see lightning.

“But what can an indiviual really do to change the world…”

“It’s a world made up of individuals.”

I’m sitting in Alief right now, have been for the past 4 hours, but ehh.. c’est la vie…
I always found watching a guy doing something that he loved kind of sexy, but currently…
Oh god…
He’s mixed about a million tracks today… I sat and watched…
Ok, so it’s pretty cool… but like technology, bitching and baroque opera, it gets old.
Now the really cool thing was when he taught me how to mix a little…
Step over boys, DJ Sarah’s takin over…
Uhh… Right….
This guy doesn’t realize that this is pretty damn obvious evidence of how much I care about him…
Sheesh…
Smiling through my irritation :)
God bless the boy.

I just returned from another world.
A world where Main street is a block long… Where the bovine population density is greater than the human one… Where there are more trees than skyscrapers… Where I can see the sky and feel the breeze and look up at the hills and down at the valleys…
It was a wonderful day, spent in a little town called Winedale.
Every year, this town puts on a Shakespeare festival in a barn. It’s sponsored by the University of Texas English department and is a six week summer English program in which students learn about the Bard the way he intended: through performance.
The play, Much Ado About Nothing (which I incidentally think is the coolest name of all time… it’s sort of like calling something “Hot Air” or “Bullshit”) was a lot funnier than I remembered it. The acting was amazingly good. The best part about it is that it goes on until August 10th, which means that I can go back to see the other two plays on the agenda, Julius Caesar and Love’s Labours Lost.

For more information, go to Shakespeare at Winedale
I highly recommend this to all fans of English, Drama, Shakespeare, Nature, and especially to people who, like me, love all four…

What does your name mean?

I don’t know what you’ve heard them all say.
They go to clubs but at home I will stay.
It isn’t that I don’t like the play,
But I’m a motherfucking G-E-E-K.
(2 times)

While you’re actin’ the fool there, all revvin’ yo moters,
And thinkin’ you’re cool cuz yo fancy-car toters,
I’ll take you to school with my crew of downloaders,
We form an elite crew of real bad-ass coders.
You talk lots of shit think you’re smooth anecdoters
But the jury’s still out, bitch, it’s up to the voters
Responsibility can rest right on my shoulders
This ass kickin’s going down like an avalanche of boulders.
So while you’re dirty dancin’ bitch, or catchin views at Hooters,
I’ll be home with my elite team hackin all your computers.
I ain’t that nigga tryin to holla cuz he thinks he’s slick
I’m that nigga tryin to holla cuz his codes run quick
So if you taunt me, tease me, are a huge prick
Your name is in my memory and there it will stick
Lock up your hard drive, nigga, start to pray,
You fuckin with me, you fuckin with a G-E-E-K.

I don’t know what you’ve heard them all say
They go to clubs but at home I will stay
It isn’t that I don’t like the play
But I’m a motherfucking G-E-E-K.
(2 times)

I have come to the conclusion that I am naturally a bit morose…
I’m in one of my moods again. Spent the evening with Matt. Nice to see a member of the old company again. Very nice indeed.
I miss the old company itself, though. I think that we assessed it correctly, right in the beginning.
It will always be that moment in time that we try to recapture. The halcyon days of yore.
Our halcyon days.
We drift apart a little, then drift back together like bits of bark in a pond.
Kids playing pooh-sticks from the bridge.
We’re racing, upstream, turning back and egging each other on, trying to stay connected, then withdrawing, discontented.
Petulant,
Asking why,
Why did the sun set, why did the rain come, why don’t the stars shine.
Perhaps it’s just the way of things.
Tide in,
Tide out.
Breathe in,
Breathe out.
Savoring the aroma
Of things that have been.

I have been told that I do not post enough…
Not much going on here. I’ve been working a lot. I really like this new job. They called me in to work today, so there hasn’t been much free time even though it’s saturday. Feeling a wave of futility again… Must start doing something constructive. I’ve tried working out, and have been doing a pretty good job, but I think I’ve hurt my knee, so I don’t know how much longer that’s going to last… For some reason that “all things in moderation” idea never did quite stick… I do very few things, but as I do them all in excess, it keeps me very busy…
I watched “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back” today… So far Mallrats is still my favorite of the Kevin Smith flicks… Hmmm… speaking of which, I still have that… No bueno… ::Mental note…Return DVD to Matt::
Anyway, as I have absolutely nothing to say, I’m signing off…
Peace.

“Man, I’ve been dating Sarah (Williams) for 9 months now! My computers don’t last that long!”

I missed Rachel. I only saw Julie twice. I’ve completely lost touch with Josh. I’ve seen Chris 3 or 4 times in a month. When I call Matt, he facetiously asks me who I am. Laura was in town a month before I even called her. I’ve only talked to Becca once this month.

I read a post today where Julie was talking about changing. I never wanted to change that way. I was the girl who always fantasized about having the choice between a boy and my friends, and resolutely sticking to those who deserved my loyalty most. I’ve abandoned all of you, and I’m sorry.

Rachel, I didn’t even know that you had left. I didn’t mean to neglect you when you were in town, and I hope that you can forgive me.
Josh, I don’t really know what happened to us. But I really miss our old Houston gang. I’m hoping that we can hang out again some time soon.
Matt… I’ve seen you more than anybody else, but I am sorry that I’ve dropped off the face of the earth.
Julie. You know that I didn’t mean to be so distant when you were in town. I am sad to the core, and guilty beyond all description now that I’ve read your journal entry to your friends.
Becca, I don’t have long distance, which is why I haven’t talked to you, but I don’t have any excuse not to email you.
Chris and Laura, I think that I have enough time to make it all up to you.

Guys, I am not very good with words. I think that you all know that I’m not malicious, but I am careless, and I wanted to apologize for that. I care about all of you. A lot. You’ve all been with me through some of my darkest hours, and I hate that you feel that as soon as my hours get bright, I disappear.

And I hate even more that you’re right…

Please talk to me about this, guys. I really hope that you can forgive me.

Interesting Website…

My life is wonderful… I spent the whole of Wednesday hanging out with Julie… We realized a couple of hours into our very interesting conversation that it was the first time we had ever hung out one on one… It was always a group of us, lovingly referred to as the “Diedrich’s gang”. It was so good to talk to her again. Nine hours later, I think that we can finally consider ourselves caught up. It was great.
I got a new job! I’m working for Chase bank now. Kraftsmen was nice, while it lasted, but I had a couple of serious issues with the place. I’m not going to waste valuable web-space talking about them, but suffice it to say that I feel like I”m moving up in the world. I want to knock on wood right now. It feels like things just can’t get any better, and then every day they miraculously do. Nevena is going to be back in town for the weekend, and I am as excited as a kid on Christmas Eve. For those of you who don’t know, my amazing friend has spent the past month doing an internship for AC Nielsen. a PAID Internship. Unbelievable.
Needless to say, I’ve been beside myself without her. Summers have always been sort of rough, but we’ve been through so much together this past year that we’re closer than ever, and that makes it so much harder to go so long without talking to her.
Anyway, she’s back in town for the weekend, and then is taking off again. TO EUROPE! Lucky thing! Nina is also on the way out. She takes off next Friday, and then Mike leaves too! Grrr… Bosnia, France, Mexico… I’m jealous of all of them. :)
My summer thus far has been wonderful, but not too eventful in the typical sense of the word. I’ve spent some time hanging out at the pool, some time practicing, writing, organizing some of my research from last semester (only the interesting stuff), and getting this job (I’m in a training program right now). I haven’t seen much of any of my highschool friends, although I did spend a couple of evenings hanging out with Rachel and Chris, and I saw Josh and Matt a few times. Mostly I’ve been on my own, or hanging out with Mike and ocassionally Nina.
Give me a shout if you guys find yourselves with some free time, my evenings should be clearing up pretty soon, and my afternoons are alomost always free.

I don’t do this too often, but this is a shout out to the world at large… Do yourself a favor and read “Sophie’s Choice”.. .It is one of the most beautifully written modern books that I have ever read…
Warning, this is an R rated book, so if you have a problem with the obscene, you might want to stick to Austen…
It is, however, a brilliant story, masterfully told…
Nothing I say can do it justice, therefore, I will now shut up…

GET OFF THE INTERNET AND READ THIS BOOK!

I knew it!

Columbia
You’ve worn all black since you were nine and knew,
even as a nine year old living in nowheresville
that you were a New Yorker at heart. Well, you
wont make it in the big city. I’m sorry tike.
Still, have fun while it lasts, because the
rumor is, most Columbia students don’t.

Which Ivy League University is right for YOU?
brought to you by Quizilla

Living with a human again…
House always abandoned to its fate as I run to my consistent, constant, neverending, ever changing circle of activities…
My friends are somewhat neglected too, so I don’t really know what I spend my time doing…
It’s odd though, coming home and finding someone else’s laudry in the washing machine, having someone else telling me that I really ought to hang the towel on the rack after I’m finished with it, laughing at the shoes in the living room and the dishes in the sink…
Above all, asking “What time will you be in, Sarah..”
No one’s asked me that for a long long time…
I never thought that I’d miss it, but now that I have it again—The concern, the questioning— I think I kind of like it…
I like not being the one who goes grocery shopping.
I like not being the last one to go to bed.
Perhaps my independence kick is over, though I don’t think so.
It’s nice, having someone to be brought home to. It’s nice to hear the words “Will your dad mind?” I’ve always been daddy’s little girl, but no one’s ever asked me that before. By the time I was old enough to hear the words, my mom was playing dad in my house.
Mom says that independence doesn’t really exist, that it’s a figment of my overactive imagination like so many other things.
Right or wrong, I sort of like the sense of security– real or imagined– that I’ve surrendered my rugged individualism to…
Still an individualist… Daddy leaves me alone, more or less… It’s a feeling more than anything else… adds a little stability in a world that’s a little crazy sometimes…
We’ll see if I tire of it as I did of having my own four walls.
But for now, I’m a little girl again, and it’s not so bad after all.